comfortably numb

i'm back in the city.

everything feels surreal and a bit dry. i woke up in my ikea bed sweaty from multiple blankets wondering if the past few weeks have been a dream.

i'm exhausted from the emotional upheaval that was yesterday. i woke up after he left for work (about 5:40 am) and began crying. it didn't stop for a long time. a wave of panic rushed over me when i found my flight schedule (i had put off doing it in an effort of denial) and i spent an outrageous amount of money to stay in austin for a few more hours. it was well worth it.

funny how "leaving on a jet plane" is the only song that can run through my head in this kind of situation. it only makes things worse.

this was the second time i had to leave. the first time there was some excitement for a new experience mixed in with my grief. i can't say that was there this time. all i could feel was bitterness and sadness and a sense of the universe being horribly unfair.

when i was in austin with the people i loved i realized there were really two lives i had to choose between when i decided to move to new york and start school. it's like a movie. choose between your professional career or emotional happiness. in most of the movies, though, people get both in the end. at least the popular hollywood movies. why can't real life be like that? when i don't feel like vomiting from the pain and dissapointment and lonliness i feel generally empty and tired. i keep hoping it will get easier but i really don't believe it.

i am now that wreck that can't listen to adult contemporary soft rock because i am afraid i will break down at the moment i hear "have i told you lately that i love you".

but that is how it is.