for 2006

i've had a month now and i think i have come up with some pretty good new year's resolutions. maybe if i write them down and share with the world wide web i will keep them.

resolution #1: read for fun. more specifically, fiction. i have not read fiction in years and i think it's about high time i started. i can fit it in before bed or on the subway. started my year off with the harry potter series and i am loving loving loving it. why didn't i do this earlier?

resolution #2: go to the fucking gym.
yes. all americans start off the year with this intent. i've played this game before and never ever never never ever kept up. but i've pulled out the big guns and made a one year commitment to a sports club. so i'd better get my $79 a month worth. this resolution actually has a few subresolutions.
a.) keep from stressing the fuck out. i've been going for about an hour or more for the past three days and already i'm feeling the benefit of those happy little endorphins.
b.) keep the depression down. see above.
c.) become healthier all around. during my fitness evaluation i found out i have high blood pressure (thanks mom!). so i'm working on that.
d.) work on my posture. apparently so much typiety typing has caused my pectoral muscles to get all tight which is contributing to my lovely hunchback. i need to loosed those babies up and tighten some of my back muscles.
e.) every young self-involved woman's dream- lose weight and look bikini cute. i'm hoping for a smaller tire, a perkier butt, and non second grade teacher arms.

resolution #3: help my cat gain weight and improve skin condition. i'm deciding to go with wet food for most of his diet with a little bit of olive oil. it shouldn't be too bad for him and it might do the trick. we'll see. i will probably also have to take him for monthly cortizone shots.

so cheers, folks.

apology and diversion blog

the author apologizes for recent me-me whiney blogs. emotions have been a bit high, alcohol consumption a bit high as well (or maybe low?), and hormones have been out of balance. diversion blog will cover the last topic.

taking anatomy in a medical context has ruined me for the world of blissful ignorance. now my anxiety over my body and health has increased ten fold because i know too much.

example:
i woke up saturday morning and noticed after a few minutest that my thumb, index finger, and middle finger were abnormally twitchy. as this continued i thought to myself..."huh something's going on with my median nerve". then i thought to myself.... "hey self, the median nerve is the one that gets fucked up in carpal tunnel syndrome!" so of course i went through my whole morning looking up symptoms of carpal tunnel syndrome and flipping out because i was sure i had the beginning stages of it. of course the twitching stopped (after a few hours!) and i realized that i am a total idtiot.

now i am convinced that my uterus is currently imploding and i will never be able to have children. which might be true. who knows? surely a gynocologist would. but i don't have health insurance yet.

the gauntlet

so began part two of what i expect to be the crappiest academic year of my life.

things seemed alright this morning when i woke up not feeling like vomiting from the previously mentioned emotional trauma. not that i am better in that respect by any means...but it didn't cripple me today. i did bum around trying to get paperwork in order for my meeting with my advisor, but otherwise wasted away the majority of the morning. went to the museum for lunch with the furor and a postdoc which was alright. the weather was aweful and everyone's spirits were a bit subdued to match.

a mixture of cautius relief and aggravation came over me when i talked to my advisor about my anatomy grade. apparently my grade is still being worked out (i gave my presentation over a month ago) and e. has the impression the other grad students and i should be ok as far as getting passing grades. apparently in the discussion e. had with the anatomy instructor a blunder i made in my presentation came up, which i can only imagine was followed or preceeded by said anatomy instructor ranting about how stupid he thinks i am. e. was very nice though and assured me he had to think about the same question i was attacked with for a while. whatever. it's done and i will never have to take anatomy again. ugh.

went to genetics and began to panic about learning everything i need to know about dna before next week. that was when the location of the class was found. the great thing about this program i am in is that nothing is ever set and there is little notice about anything before it happens. so after wandering around the anthropology building at nyu some students brighter than i found the room and a few other confused students.

i received a phone call from my bank informing me of a strange charge made on my card to romania. awesome. now i have no credit card until they send me a new one with a new number. seriously, what the fuck?

and to make everything super hunky dory i have further evidence that i might have something seriously wrong with my lady parts. or at least some upset in the balance of my hormones. about a week and a half ago my three week period ended....but has raged up again leaving me feeling worried, dehydrated, and a bit down. i finally printed out my health insurance application form, so maybe i can see someone about it in a month.

on the bright side, i joined a gym.

comfortably numb

i'm back in the city.

everything feels surreal and a bit dry. i woke up in my ikea bed sweaty from multiple blankets wondering if the past few weeks have been a dream.

i'm exhausted from the emotional upheaval that was yesterday. i woke up after he left for work (about 5:40 am) and began crying. it didn't stop for a long time. a wave of panic rushed over me when i found my flight schedule (i had put off doing it in an effort of denial) and i spent an outrageous amount of money to stay in austin for a few more hours. it was well worth it.

funny how "leaving on a jet plane" is the only song that can run through my head in this kind of situation. it only makes things worse.

this was the second time i had to leave. the first time there was some excitement for a new experience mixed in with my grief. i can't say that was there this time. all i could feel was bitterness and sadness and a sense of the universe being horribly unfair.

when i was in austin with the people i loved i realized there were really two lives i had to choose between when i decided to move to new york and start school. it's like a movie. choose between your professional career or emotional happiness. in most of the movies, though, people get both in the end. at least the popular hollywood movies. why can't real life be like that? when i don't feel like vomiting from the pain and dissapointment and lonliness i feel generally empty and tired. i keep hoping it will get easier but i really don't believe it.

i am now that wreck that can't listen to adult contemporary soft rock because i am afraid i will break down at the moment i hear "have i told you lately that i love you".

but that is how it is.

return of the blog

so after one ass kicking semester of dissection, morphotastic fun, adjusting to a new noisy environment, and trying to get myself to emotional equilibrium again i'm taking a sweet little break.

i got back to texas about two weeks ago... i think. stayed with my parents for a week long eat-a-thon, turned 23 with some of my best childhood friends, and felt very odd about how much i was sweating (it has been in the 70's/80's here in texas).

then before new year's i came back to austin to enjoy some time with one of my all time favoritest y-chromosomed one in the world and have been doing that since. it has been grand. i've been eating, sleeping late, and watching hours upon hours of the simpsons. i also finished memoirs of a geisha which was fabulous! i would like to make reading more novels my new year's resolution.

i was supposed to go out in to the desert for fossil collecting fun (which would have limited my time for all of the above quite a bit) but my mental/emotional/physical state started to worry me at the last minute and i had to decline. it was a good thing, too because i got a real nasty chest cold the day before i was supposed to leave. c'est la vie right?

now it is time for more cereal and simpsons.